SEPARATE BATTLES!

When I met my husband-to-be, I knew I was so lucky and blessed.  I knew God had put him in my life for a reason.  My hunny has always told me that I am the strongest and bravest woman he knows, to where I tell him it is because of him I find the strength to be that way.  I had always promised him, if ever in his journey with addiction he every felt like giving up, I would be there fighting for him. I would never give up and he could lean on me, I would fight for both of us.  But then the unthinkable happened and I myself had to fight my own battle as he struggle with his.  I was unable to be there for him and it hurts, it hurts worse than my own battle.  I feel like I let him down and worrbed that he will think that I don’t love him.  When the opposite is true, I love hi with my whole being.  I wish I could just rip the addiction out of his body.

Truth is as I write this, my hunny is in rehab, which I am so thankful for.  He is a great person, with some demons he needs to conquer, but he made the choice and is tackling them head on.  While he is in rehab, I have made the request to his mother not to tell him anything that is going on with me.  Not to tell him the extent of my disability.  Part of me wants to tell him when he is released from rehab and he has some therapy under his belt and part of me doesn’t want to tell him at all.  See in the midst of his using, when I first got sick, he left me for someone else who allowed him to use drugs.  He left me stating he was scared I was going to die.  He came back to me a few times and left a few times as he would go back to using.  When he uses, he uses people.  That is the one part of the addiction that I hate the most.  You see I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me, I know he does, but the addiction causes him to use people, in particular, other woman giving them false hopes and dreams, a future with him.  They do not see that it is just his addiction causing the falsehood so that he can get what he wants from them, which is usually money to buy drugs, rides to drug deals, etc.  As much as his addiction has hurt me, I know it has hurt him much much more.  He made the decision himself, to go into treatment, to get a hold of the demon himself.  I am so happy for him.  I always knew he had it in him, even though he doubted himself.  We are our own worse critics, ya know.

Anyways so I live my days trying to get myself better as my love is doing for himself.  But I am afraid how will he handle it when I tell him everything about my disability?  Will he handle it better, will it set him in a relapse or will he just leave me for good?  At this point I am trying to sort through what are the actions of my hunny and what are the actions of an addict?  Did he truly leave me before cuz of my illness or was it because of his addiction.

You see when he entered rehab, I was preparing myself that we may break up when he gets out.  Not because I was a bad influence or enabler, but because i was a reminder to him of all the pain his addiction caused.  Like if he saw me, he would see all the bad things he did, even if I never mentioned any of them to him.  Then dealing with the guilt he may relapse to get rid of the pain from the guilt.  I would never want to do that to him.  I love him with my whole being, I would give my life for him.  But if i was a trigger for him to use, then I would leave, his life means that much to me.

So as of now until I hear from him, we are still engaged.  The not knowing is hard and can interfere with my own journey but I look to Allah for guidance, he has never steered me wrong.

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